You want to be happy for their AH-mazing sex lives, you really do, but every time it's mentioned, you're reminded of the blatant emptiness you feel inside knowing their wild amounts of pleasure feels like only pain for you.

How in the WORLD do people get through these pelvic exams and are just 'fine' after?! It makes no sense to you why your body is acting in this way - your butt was literally lifting off the table trying to avoid the cold, piercing touch of the speculum. Even though consciously you told yourself that THIS time, you'll figure out a way to just get through it, you just couldn't. And though you thought pushing through the pain was the best option here, you absolutely NEVER want to do that again. 

And you're feeling incredible amounts of guilt for not being able to have a full and complete sex life with him. Sometimes you are so convinced that he deserves better and you're simply not good enough, that you're on the verge of breaking up. Every time you talk about it, he talks you out of it, but you don't know how much longer that game will go for.

You press him against your chest so he can't see the pain written all over your face. You wish things would be different but you just want HIM to be happy and you can't risk losing this relationship. So you grit your teeth through the pain and try to mentally escape the moment. You count down the minutes and seconds until it's over so you can roll on your side and try to sleep the pain away. 

Disappointed that it didn't go fully yet again, and the little bit that it did had you feeling like someone lit a fire inside your vagina. The burning is indescribable and you simply can't understand how these dilators are meant to be helpful if they're only causing you pain! There must be something you're missing, but every time you've tried to talk to someone about what is going on with your body, you've been met with blanks stares or worse, the 'you just need to learn how to relax' line. You get off your bed, wash the lubricant off your dilator and put it back in the dark drawer where it belongs.

Even though you're not consciously aware of the tight muscles between your legs, each attempt at penetration is a reminder of what's really going on. What's most noticeable is the pain you're feeling in your jaw, neck, shoulders, back and even hips and knees and you don't know how much longer you can go with this constant discomfort in your body.

You feel hopeless about being able to have penetrative sex to get pregnant in the first place and let's not talk about pushing a baby out of your vagina! You want to be a mother so bad, and the unknown of building a family is starting to be unbearable.

You tried their other recommendation to  have a glass of wine, and even a bottle, but nothing could drown out the physical pain of penetration. Even a tampon can't go in and when you go to sleep at night, you can't help but think that you're failing as a woman... You're starting to lose faith in yourself.

Your fertility clock is ticking and having kids of your own is starting to feel even less attainable. If you don't figure this out and put an end to this pain, you may never make your dream of a happy family come true. And you fear that even your partner would leave you to pursue someone who can be the mother of his children. In 5 years and even in 10 years, you would be alone, wishing things were different. Cursing vaginismus and everything it has ruined.

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All that's on your mind is how much you want him inside of you. And you know you don't have to wait! You don't need to be careful, or go slow anymore. A quickie is possible for you now and you love that you can get turned on and take him in so quickly and effortlessly. It's like your body wants it as much as YOU do!

In fact, you love it and all the pleasure it has helped you experience. You feel like the past pain between your legs is a distant memory and it has been overshadowed by all of the deep orgasms you've felt during penetrative sex experiences! You're so grateful you stuck through the healing journey and came out on the other side.

You can have one night stands if you wanted to! EASY. And you never again have to wonder how and when to tell a date about the limitations to the kinds of sex you can have together. Your sexual debut with each partner can happen as spontaneously as you want it to!

Another pain-free pelvic exam in the books. Yeah, the medical system is flawed in many ways and has let you down countless times, but none of that matters anymore. Even while laying on those far from sexy crinkly paper sheets at the doctor's office, you know how to relax your pelvic floor muscles at your will and allow the speculum inside you with no pain whatsoever. 

When sex comes up in conversation, you not only listen with curiosity, but are dying of excitement to share your own pleasurable experiences. You even get aroused as all the juicy love-making moments replay in your mind and you take your time choosing which stories to share. Your girlfriends are wide-eyed and listen with awe, perhaps secretly wishing their love life could be as fun as yours!

A couple of new sex positions on the menu that you KNOW are going to feel amazing for both of you. You seductively approach him with playful confidence and can't wait to expand your horizons when it comes to what's possible for you in the bedroom. With penetration being a regular event on the menu of your sex life, the possibilities of sex have taken incredibly adventurous twists and turns lately and you're loving the sex goddess you've become.

Your head rests on his shoulder and his hand caresses your inner thigh and he tells you how beautiful you are. And this time, you whole-heartedly believe him. You're SO in love with him in this moment and realize that you've finally fallen in love with yourself and your body in the same way. You ARE beautiful and you know it.

You squeeze your daughter's tiny hand are are so grateful to have her in your life. You can't even imagine life without her. She hugs you tight, you feel her warmth against your skin and she tells you in the most beautiful voice you've ever known, "I love you, mommy." THAT unparalleled love is what you'll live for for the rest of your days.

So much of this pain was unnecessary if you only had the right guidance and support...

What you needed is someone to deeply care for you. To helping you break the Cycle of Pain and climb out of the slippery slope you've been stuck in. You needed someone to guide you in the emotional healing journey of it all, so you can let go of your past and create a fresh sleight for a pain-free future! You needed to be taught HOW to gain awareness and control of your pelvic floor muscles so they would stop contracting against your will. To release the built-up tension that has tainted your love life for so long. And equally importantly, to learn how to avoid it building up again!

You just needed that love and support. And you deserve it ALL.

You deserve to rediscover your self-love and sexual confidence. To create an amazing intimate relationship with yourself - rooted in safety, self-acceptance and love. Compassion AND passion! 

A sex life, free of shame, suppression and physical pain CAN be yours! A sex life that is pleasurable! WILDLY pleasurable in fact, more than you ever thought possible.

YOU deserve to put vaginismus in your past, for good.