It was especially powerful speaking these words directly to the camera, with Dmitri standing behind the lens… By the end, he was in tears just like we both were when I read this to him for the first time months earlier. And it was such a beautiful experience.
Tell me who you think you are…
The beautiful man I came to know,
Or a boy who’s willing to let me go?
It started off well in the beginning,
But you tell me it was all pretend,
As you were trying to abide with my wants, my desires..
The expectations of society, of other ‘more successful’ men.
Not being sure of what you want in life
And now you’re closer to your authenticity..
Stripping yourself of all the cloaks you’ve ever worn
Taking the road of solitude, simplicity
With no space for me, for fun, for adventure to be born.
Where did it all go?
Your excitement, your smirk, your smile
Your lightness in life as you allowed yourself to relax for a while.
I craved your touch, your desire
My hand in yours as we sit by the fire.
You’re so wise, yet it sometimes feels like a disguise.
For so much darkness hiding…
And constantly on the rise.
So much to be grateful for, yet you don’t see…
How you’re missing out on the joy of what could be.
My heart was here for you…
A flower in bloom, craving the sunlight.
Yet you’re pre-occupied building a shelf to place me on…
Inside.
And I allowed myself to wilt, to die,
To lose track of my own roots.
My light began to dim, and I felt like I was at the whim..
Of the sadness, the gloom in which you got so deeply consumed.
I point to your self-worth hidden inside your soul,
You hesitantly peek within and only see a fading glow.
A fractured beam of light.
So ghostly of a whisper of hope, it’s absurd.
A disbelief that completeness can survive beneath the heartbreak you’ve endured.
Why is there so much resistance?
A lonely sense of growing distance?
As you work to find yourself and soar,
Is it selfish for me to want more?
Who am I really fighting for?
For you, me, us, or an idea of all four?
You see darkness where I see light.
Trying to unpack the mess inside your mind…
Thinking THAT’S the holy grail of life.
Thinking IT holds the secrets that you seek to find.
But so much of what it speaks is noise.
A distraction from the realness that we chose.
To have in this human experience, with all its highs and lows,
But I suppose…
Our purpose should still be full of beauty, joy and laughter,
Presence and surrender – that’s what we’re after!
I thought this darkness is just a stage,
That you’d be able to turn the page ..
And allow yourself to fill….
Your life with the adventure, romance, sense of thrill.
Love has never felt so heavy, so hard.
Seemingly together, yet so far apart.
When my silly side is simply denied.
My passion dimmed by caution..
Did I cause you to be so indifferent, so distant?
Is settling for numbness the only way we can get through this?
See…
I hoped in your soul…
You could withstand the shadow that has followed you with unmatched persistence.
You could ignore all of the internal whispers that you’re not whole…
And finally tie the knot, put an end to your life-long resistance.
He wanted to be seen and yet he longed to fit in,
His inner work has been revealing…
The parts of him that he’s let dim.
Yes…
He’s stuck on the path and done decades of healing…
And says that now, he’s hit a ceiling.
That he is perfectly detached, surrendered..
Whole, complete, desired.
That the healing journey has rendered..
Him stable.
And able.
Endlessly inspired, and wired.
But wired for what?
To accomplish.
To achieve.
To find out what else is hidden up his sleeve.
In the realm of business – to perform.
But in the space of love only to conform.
To a standard of connection so low.
Simply because he doesn’t have access to it,
In his soul..
Although…
He says he’s fine, but does he believe it?
Because he doesn’t allow himself to live it.
He doesn’t see that he is perfect, has always been.
That there’s no one else he needed – to FEEL seen.
There’s nothing to prove…
No part of him to fight, to change or to remove…
It’s like you’re living as the outsider in society..
Like there’s no alternative but for your loneliness to last.
It’s sad to witness the never-ending cycle, the silent anxiety,
Everything repeating from your past.
And yet I believe that as is every experience,
Your path is perfect in its divinity…
Your story calls for no interference, just your own resilience.
The answers are within you – have been for infinity.
Now I know you don’t NEED my help,
But I see your spirits rise when your inspiration takes shape…
And there’s someone there to listen,
To believe in you, in your projects as decent.
To talk them through, to ideate,
To marvel at you as you radiate..
With excitement for your countless creation.
Your next attempt to find your purpose in this entrepreneurial fixation.
I enjoy to celebrate your ups, I do.
And thought I could be that person for us, for you.
But the downs were so often and exhausting,
My inner child, she was shrinking and it was costing
My fire.
My desire.
My positivity and my festivity.
Plus you called my involvement a sacrifice and said our commitment simply won’t suffice.
It seems you were right, we ARE paying the price.
I did see a future inside your eyes as your wife,
But they themselves so often filled with disinterest – for life.
Chasing what you call the spiritual path,
But as you were looking for it there on the other side, through meditation,
You missed out on the beauty, the joy here and now in this reincarnation.
I WISH I had the certainty…
That your life long-pattern is about the end.
I know that in a messed up way, it’s in fact a Godsend,
But still I can’t pretend…
And to even my enemy I wouldn’t recommend…
Coming face to face with YOUR depression.
And yes, it’s my confession that I’ve let your demons lead even to my personal suppression.
So I wonder…
What should I do?
Should I stay or should I make my move?
Will the longing for more always live despite me, and whether together or apart?
Or could the nurturing I desire be inside me, waiting for me in my heart?
To be strengthened by someone I’m yet to meet, who will greet..
The days, the months, the years with a sense of wonder rather than defeat…
Would YOU find the same?
A lover who will spark a fire that was somehow suppressed with me around?
Or will it continuously be dowsed by the little boy who doesn’t believe he deserves to be found…
By true love, acceptance, trust…
Even a little bit of magical stardust.
So with screaming silence, with all my might.
With certainty, doused in doubt, I fight.
To create a nurturing environment..
Navigate the re-opening of my childhood wound of my own perceived abandonment.
I keep an open mind, raise my chin, find a grin…
Untangle waves of desperation, anger even before they burst at last,
I work to heal my own triggers and wounds of the past, and FAST!
You keep busy,
I look within,
We do our best not to add to the weight already sitting there beneath our skin.
Why?
So we can approach the question from an unpolluted canvas,
With love, empathy, understanding and kindness.
Not to allow our egos to keep score,
Not to repeat our parents’ mistakes once more.
And most importantly not to keep our hearts locked away, led astray..
There IS a spark of light that shines occasionally,
I try to savour it, but have come to know it’s not here to stay.
What is it you’re trying to find?
Do you wish to escape from all humankind?
One by one, let’s put it all on the table.
I trust you can you get through this and be stable…
I swear, I’ll never give up on supporting you.
I just don’t want to give up on me too.
What does the middle ground look like?
Heart-break, disappointment, then inevitably healing that we’ll be shook by…
It seems the full story is not yet meant to be known
Though I hope I soon allow myself to be shown
The right choice for us,
So I can move forward with trust.
Am I better off on my own?
Or would that be giving up – on us, on our home?
I feel we belonged together here, although we’ve put on a show…
What about our true selves are we yet to know?
Perhaps the only way through is to take inventory,
To dive deeper into the emotional pain of the story…
To feel the wounds fully, rather than stay numb..
To allow ourselves to succumb..
To the fullness of the experience, and then another.
And once it’s all complete, perhaps converge back to each other.
Not as closely connected lovers,
But as a recovered…
Pair of friends?
For a while, I had thought…
A happy family is what we both sought.
I hoped to live each moment fully by you and with honour
Even birthing you a son, or daughter…
But if you aren’t capable of nurturing yourself emotionally
How can I introduce a little munchkin who needs you.. Unconditionally?
Yes, you had asked me to marry you,
But I feel I can no longer say ‘I do’…
Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant play out
Your past is on repeat without a doubt.
And still…
I trust you WILL find your purpose
I’m no prophet yet I know what you’re looking for is not on the surface…
Peel all the layers of the pain,
And set aside your brain,
The thirst for acknowledgement and fame…
The rest – it’s all the same.
What you’re looking for – self-love, a peaceful poise,
Is past all superficial noise,
It rests in the depth of silence but still it’s loud.
And it’ll grow as soon as it’s found
It will surprise you with its simplicity
Beautiful in its authenticity.
A reflection of you, your strength, your vulnerability…
Giving you no more reason to doubt your ability,
Infinite reasons to hold onto positivity…
As for me…
Have I already lost myself?
Am I wearing a mask?
Should I hold onto the idea of us, or just release my grasp?
How do I surrender to inspired action?
Which direction will result in the most fruitful, mutual, intimate connection?
Whether together or apart, what is the proper selection to reflect the universe’s innate perfection?
And while I ponder and trust divine timing,
I do my best to support you, while the stars are aligning.
And yet it hurts…
Expanding the hole inside me of unquenched thirst.
What I’m craving is…
Joy, surprises, mystery…
Instead of taking ourselves so seriously!
Of course YOU feel the worst of this complex situation!
For that I can offer my compassion, understanding, empathy…
But I have to choose myself in this romantic negotiation…
Despite the partial pull to just trek through it, mentally…
Do we even HAVE the liberty to decide, is this a question of causation?
Or is it simply an illusion that we have control of our situation?
Has it already always happened and we are acting out the script?
Perhaps we’re also living a similar movie in which our roles are simply flipped!
Because if time isn’t linear, it’s all happening at once,
If there’s no such thing as sequential hours, weeks or months…
If we’re simply source experiencing all facets of creation,
And every single possible situation…
Then understanding why and how have no place in the purpose, the enjoyment of this journey.
I should trust the feeling, disallow the worrisome thoughts of the mind to concern me.
So if I were honest, dear…
My heart says our paths part here…
If that too is the inkling you get,
Let’s say a kind goodbye with our conscience clear.
Let’s not forget that we gave our best in this relationship duet.
Be sure that our love isn’t dissipating..
It’s simply changing shape.
And when trying to get hold of it feels frustrating,
Remember to pause, breathe, release your grasp and look inside yourself.
– Katrin, with Love
