Trigger Warning: Themes of hypersexualization, sexual assault, and child sexual abuse.
For many of us, our only experiences with the world of porn are walking in on a parent watching it..
Or sneakily logging onto Pornhub as a teenager and being bombarded with aggressive sexual scenes made by men, for male pleasure.
We are treated to scene after scene of aggressive sex with little to no foreplay, full penetration, and stereotypically beautiful women who are usually wet and ready before their clothes have even come off.
Even after this, as we grew up and explored sex with our partners, the subconscious imprints from porn remained. With partners rushing to orgasm, unintentionally (or intentionally) recreating these rough and painful sexual acts, and us feeling like we should prioritize our performance in the bedroom rather than our authentic desires.
All this is to say is that mainstream porn didn’t just tell men how to have sex, but also taught most women what receiving penetration should look like, in other words, rough, deep, and in whatever way would take the male partner to orgasm.
For many, this has meant that our first experiences of penetrative sex were painful, uncomfortable, and based on a fantasy that isn’t ours..
Often causing the very first, involuntary vaginal muscle spasm that will kickstart you into a world of excruciatingly painful penetrative attempts, dilators, non-penetrative sexual exploration, and (for many) deeply-rooted shame and feelings of being broken!
In many respects, mainstream porn has probably played a part in your vaginismus journey, whether you’ve consciously made that connection or not. It has contributed to the Cycle of Pain (and shame) that vaginismus really is in essence.
When we are taught that what we see in mainstream porn is normal, we don’t realise that we are putting ourselves in positions to be hurt. We teach ourselves that our pleasure doesn’t matter and ‘force’ it, and we also don’t learn what female pleasure really looks like.
So if mainstream porn is usually made for men by men, what’s the alternative?
Production studios focusing on porn for women, offering an ‘ethical’ and ‘female-focused’ approach to pleasure! Ethical and female-focused adult content now represents roughly 15% of the global porn market AND the female-focused porn segment is growing about 15% annually, outpacing the overall adult industry.
So how can female-focused erotic films actually help you explore your sexuality with vaginismus? And, where do you look for these alternative options?
Welcome To The World Of Ethical Porn
Have you heard of ethical porn, feminist porn, holistic pornography or porn for women? These terms are used to describe a new wave of erotic films that are carefully created to be respectful, female-focused, and to depict real sexual acts that prioritize female pleasure.
What sets this revolutionary porn apart from standard porn studios is that the majority of these studios are queer or women-owned and collaborate with real people to create a variety of sexual scenes that represent the true breadth of human sexual expression. They focus on depicting real sex with diverse bodies, genders, sexualities, ages, and disabled bodies without fetishization—inclusive casting across the board.
Ethical porn studios also adhere to strict standards.
When looking for an ethical porn site, some things to look at are their policies around:
- Fair pay to their actors and staff
- Ownership of content is sometimes offered to the actors as well
- Regular STI testing for their stars
- Consent and age verification adherence and proof
- Onset care, comfort, and safety of actors
- Enthusiastic consent as a guiding principle
But that sounds like just the basics, doesn’t it?
Many porn studios creating erotic films for women deliberately go further.
Some studios will strive not only to be female-friendly but also to be deliberately feminist and ethical, and to be pioneers in the industry as a whole.
One such example that I’ve been thoroughly impressed with is ForPlay Films.
ForPlay Films is an independent, all-woman production company, created by intimacy counsellor and sex educator Inka Winter. The team at ForPlay Films merges the world of feminist porn and ethical porn into one holistic offering of porn by women for women.
Their erotic films are driven by enthusiastic consent and authentic depictions of sex, often shot through the female gaze. They collaborate closely with performers!
Performers are co-creators of art, not just contractors of the studio. This includes prioritizing autonomy and open communication on set, and empowering each performer to claim and express their own true desires. They have last say over the scene, have their boundaries honoured, and express their own, authentic sexual desires throughout.
The studio is also committed to depicting authentic pleasure – more realistic sex.
Instead of filling an erotic film with the raw mechanics of sex and close-ups of penetration, with the driving theme being conquering or dominating a female partner, you get to enjoy genuine reactions and the authentic pleasure of the performers.
Extended foreplay sessions, including oral sex, teasing, kissing, close-ups of faces, and the emotional element that is so often missing in mainstream porn. One that centres desire, emotional presence, and authentic sexuality rather than stereotypes or the intense race to orgasm that sometimes masks true intimacy.
Real-life moments of vulnerability and communication are also sometimes shown – asking to slow down, change rhythm, or pause, taking a water break, and even quirky, funny, or ‘embarrassing’ moments.
This commitment to depicting true intimacy also creates space for all erotic blueprints to be represented in erotic films.
Just like the love languages, these are the 5 different erotic languages (or nervous system wirings) we have as humans, as first taught by Miss Jaiya, Award Winning Somatic Sexologist.
We get to see the energetic erotic blueprint, the sensual, the kinky and the shapeshifter, rather than just the most frequently depicted one in mainstream porn – the sexual.
Finally, ethical porn is also about what happens off and behind the camera – from ensuring the equality and diversity of leadership, staff, and actors, to recognizing and addressing power imbalances within their own leadership teams and within scenes, avoiding fetishization, respecting their stars as collaborators, and ensuring fair pay.
Real People, Real Desire, Real Intimacy – Why Does It Matter?
So why have more and more women started watching ethical porn?
Personally, I think one of the main draws of ethical porn is the ‘realness.’ No matter if it’s adult amateur sites like Make Love Not Porn (which offer real people the chance to film and upload their own clip ) or studios like ForPlay Films, where the scenes are scripted and edited.
Ethical erotic films stand out because they use a diverse range of bodies, sexualities, and genders. Unlike their mainstream counterparts, actors are often beautiful because they look like regular people.
But does this really matter?
In short, yes. In a longer answer, HELL YES!
We all know the health benefits of masturbation, from anxiety and sleep to better mental health and self-esteem. As many vaginismus sisters have also found out, masturbation can also help break the Cycle of Pain and turn it into the Cycle of Confidence (and pleasure)! To rewire the brain’s memories of penetration from being painful to neutral and then pleasurable.
However, it can be a mood killer to see pristine pubic hair and vulvas that all look a certain way (and are immediately wet from the first kiss) in mainstream porn.
The self-comparison to what you see on the screen can be incredibly disempowering! When you realize you don’t match the ‘beauty’ standards of what’s considered sexy in porn, shame and disconnection can creep back in, sometimes even stronger than before.
That’s why…
Watching ethical porn made by real, normal, diverse bodies can be a huge game-changer in helping you know that you are normal and your mind, body, and soul are beautiful.
It can be quite healing to see bodies and vulvas that look like yours and real moments on camera of women taking care of themselves and their bodies. Like taking an extra few moments to apply some lube before penetration to make things more comfortable – real moments of female desire and comfort, you know?
That makes such a big difference in steering free of the comparison trap and encouraging you to take care of your needs and desires, too.
Control, Consent & Agency
A huge part of why ethical porn has become a huge hit with women isn’t just that it’s beautifully shot, showcases real pleasure and eroticism and actually has a storyline, but that it does all of that and showcases consent throughout.
With actors regularly checking in, asking, and answering before moving on to the next sexual act.
The reason this is such a powerful (and appealing) way of depicting consent is that it addresses the common arguments many adults have about discussing it.
Whether it’s the guy at a bar joking, “So, do I have to ask her every time I change what I’m doing?” or the belief that discussing consent is a ‘mood killer’, these portrayals of enthusiastic consent, regular check-ins, and open communication demonstrate that consent should always be sought.
When done right, discussing consent can actually enhance the mood during intimate moments, offering you control and agency of your body at a time when your body is vulnerable.
Something that a lot of people get wrong about consent, and what ethical porn shows really well, is that consent isn’t a blanket ‘yes’. When communicated correctly, it offers you a chance to set boundaries.
Whether it’s giving ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers when your partner asks if they can touch you, or directly stating that you want them to do X but not Z, these are all ways to communicate consent. And let’s also remember that you get to practice continuous consent – an ongoing conversation, not a one-time ’yes’.
For those of us who have experienced the silencing impact of vaginismus or shied away from relationships and intimacy due to the fear that saying yes to sex means they have to go through with everything, watching a female adult star control the pace, set boundaries, and take back her agency through repeated, enthusiastic consent can be a world-changing experience.
Your Vaginismus Journey: Can Watching Ethical Porn Be A Healing Experience?
Truthfully, I can’t actually answer this for you. Deciding to explore the world of ethical porn is a choice you have to make for yourself.
But what I can offer is this:
Ethical porn companies like ForPlay Films offer a feminist alternative to porn that many mainstream studios don’t. Made by women, for women, their content offers real, authentic stories about pleasure and sexuality from diverse actors. Offering a holistic form of adult entertainment, by women for women! One that focuses on chemistry, consent, and autonomy.
The Team at ForPlay Films collaborates closely with performers, prioritizes autonomy and communication on set, and creates films that center desire, emotional presence, and authentic sexuality rather than stereotypes.
When it comes to sexual healing, especially through the lens of vaginismus, a more holistic experience can offer new opportunities to release the protective body responses that lead to bracing and pain and truly tap into deep relaxation and ultimately, pleasure.
Adding a visual stimuli to your turn-on and allowing yourself to delve into scenes that focus on emotional presence, desire, and consent could help you heal a mental wound you never knew you had.
The Sexucation tools available on the ForPlay Films platform could also help you find the right language to describe your wants and needs in the bedroom. Witnessing actors on screen use their own voices to do that can give you the confidence actually to put the theory into practice!
As you know…
A huge part of sexual healing when it comes to vaginismus is physical, being able to reclaim your body and desire, moving from being a passive bystander to what happens to your body to actively choosing to participate.
Whether that’s..
- Discussing your desires and boundaries in a relationship outside of a sexual context..
- Shopping around for tools for a self-pleasure and penetrative practice that seem inviting rather than intimidating..
- Actively initiating sex in a style that feels authentic to you, or..
- Enthusiastically exploring desire, fantasy, and pleasure in ways you haven’t before..
Watching porn focused on female pleasure, masturbation, and female power, as you recreate the movements on your own, can be incredibly empowering.
Some films to explore include:
- Mindful Pleasure & other Mindfulness Porn – guided mindfulness masturbation that starts with an exercise of accepting the body (you can find Inka’s free audio meditations here)
- Tantric Mornings – guided tantric exercise for couples with mindful non-sexual touch
- Play Time and How to Pleasure a Vagina – female talents explaining and demonstrating how they like to use toys
- The Art of Pleasuring an AFAB Person – narrating a sexual experience
- EduPorn and Mindfulness Porn – other educational and mindfulness porn
The truth is..
Learning how to play an active role instead of being a passive bystander in the bedroom can be hard, even for those not experiencing vaginismus. For years, many women have been conditioned to see their bodies, especially during sex, as something for men only.
And ForPlay Film’s creator is no stranger to that.
How Did ForPlay Films Come To Be? Inka Winter’s Story
Inka Winter is an award-winning feminist porn director, certified sex educator, and trained counsellor. Her background deeply influences her work at ForPlay Films.
Inka grew up in the Friedrichshof Commune, a sex cult outside of Vienna, Austria, from the age of four until its dissolution in 1991 when she was 11. What was marketed as a ‘free sexuality’ environment was, in reality, chaotic and restrictive.
The commune opposed the nuclear family and promoted free love, but this often meant that sex was a requirement to secure shelter and to maintain status. Daily discussions about sexual encounters and ranking members based on their performance were common. Children and teenagers were also subjected to this environment; they inevitably watched sexual activities from a young age and were integrated into adult sexuality as teenagers.
Hence, themes of sex, power, and hierarchy permeated the commune and Inka’s childhood, leading to a loss of agency and a lack of respect for consent and bodily autonomy.
These experiences have profoundly shaped Inka’s work, fuelling her commitment to creating safe spaces for sexuality and emphasizing agency, consent, and respect in all her projects.
Inka began her journey into the world of feminist porn in 2017 with her first film, Undressed, and in time decided to produce her own pornography, her way. Her very own erotic production studio – ForPlay Films, for anyone who, like her, needed sexual healing.
She also started the YouTube channel Sexucation which has evolved into the sex ed arm of ForPlay Films – it aims to provide adults with factual information on sexual topics of all kinds. Inka stands by the fact that having access to information and developing the skills to open and have judgment-free conversations are the first steps to a happy and healthy sex life.
This is also why, in addition to erotic filmmaking, Inka is also providing desire and arousal coaching. As you can imagine, her passion for working with desire and arousal grew out of her own experience with losing her libido for over a year due to trauma.
Incredibly, she turned her pain into her purpose in this way!
She believes that self-awareness, self-accountability, and self-compassion are the basis for learning and change. Education and emotional well-being are central to a healthy sex life. That everyone deserves to feel safe, loved, and understood. Release their shame, integrate their trauma, and discover a whole new world of sexuality, intimacy, and self-worth.
In her VICE article, she explains how empowering it felt to choose to watch and film the intimate scenes in her movies. In comparison to the unavoidable presence of sex while growing up, she took back her agency. She shared a powerful statement that many vaginismus sisters will understand:
“I realize I am behind the camera, and I am in full control. And so any sex I see is sex that I have asked to see.”
Yep, watching ethical porn, especially female-focused, feminist porn, is an active experience based around choice. No matter if you are watching missionary sex or exploring the realm of BDSM and kink, you are watching scenes that you have chosen to, exploring your own fantasies and sexual appetites.
For me, witnessing the act of choice in erotic films and sex education content has been a powerfully healing moment in reconnecting with my own sexual desires, erotic confidence, and sense of autonomy in the bedroom (and outside of it).
How Does Feminist Porn Support Your Autonomy Sexually?
As well as offering a framework to learn how to communicate your desires, feminist porn has also become a safe space for women wanting to explore new sexual acts, sexualities, and watch their fantasies play out.
From bisexual awakenings to watching consenting couples (or groups) depict healthy BDSM and kink exploration, it can be a chance to see if certain acts could be something you enjoy.
When it comes to exploring your sexuality with vaginismus, ethical porn can offer you the chance to safely learn what you’re interested in without needing someone else present.
Think of looking at ethical porn like studying – it allows you to learn and understand the theory (different scenarios, positions, partners) before the practical (actually trying out your favourite scenes with your partner… or alone!)
As well as this, studies have shown that watching porn with your partner can have positive benefits on your relationship. Such as increased sexual satisfaction and more intimacy.
When it comes to trying to have a sexual relationship while experiencing vaginismus, trying to explain what you want and don’t want can feel overwhelming. So watching non-penetrative sex scenes together could even be a way to show what you want without having to move through the struggle to find the right words!
Or if you’re looking for intimacy outside of just having sex, exploring each other’s desires together as you enjoy mutual masturbation can offer sexual intimacy, emotional connection, and exploration without the pressures of penetrative sex.
In Conclusion …
Society’s view on porn is usually steeped in negativity, with many conservative arguments focusing on how it ruins relationships, teaches people unsafe sex, and, especially for women, creates unrealistic expectations of pleasure and the female body.
And in many cases, these arguments do carry some truth.
However..
The rise of ethical porn is slowly changing how you can choose to watch porn. Often depicting communication, boundaries, diverse bodies, and intimacy, these porn studios are changing the narrative around adult entertainment. With female-owned studios like ForPlay Films, we are seeing women writing, directing, and editing adult entertainment and creating erotic films that appeal to the feminine gaze.
For my fellow vaginismus sisters, I believe that enjoying and watching ethical, feminist porn can be a healing and empowering experience. Offering you control over what you see, education around using your voice in the bedroom, and exploration of your fantasies from the safety of your bedroom.
Whether you’re just starting your vaginismus journey or you have been moving through it for years, utilizing female-focused porn as part of a holistic, sexual healing journey could be just what the doctor ordered!
– Katrin, with Love
