I’m Katrin

A fellow vaginismus sister, who freed herself

Since I too experienced what a dear client called a panic attack in her vagina…

I feel like we have a lot in common.

I was 18 years old on a cold winter afternoon in January..

My boyfriend and I were fooling around on his bed and with intense desire, total trust and excitement, I pulled him closer for the start of that incredible sex life we were supposed to spend our 20s enjoying together..

I had taken my time with it and decided to lose my virginity (or as I like to call it now, ‘have my sexual debut’). I was a little nervous but excited to feel what the hype was all about.

But…

My body had other plans!

What I thought would be a special milestone that I would happily recall forever turned into an awful memory that I would try to push away into the most deserted parts of my brain.

There seemed to be a brick wall between my legs, making it impossible to let my partner in! With each attempt to push through his penis literally bent, and I started to doubt whether I had a vaginal opening!

Wasn’t this supposed to be fun?! A wild and almost primal instinct that I could simply enjoy? Instead, we faced The Great Wall Of Vagina.

I never thought I’d have to work so hard at sex.

The magic of the moment was gone. I laid there frustrated and confused, but we chalked it up to the nerves of the ‘first time’.

With another handful of attempts over the coming weeks, the little bit of penetration we could manage felt like a searing hot knife being inserted into the most tender parts of my body. The sharp, burning pain was out of this world! Sure, I guess I had a vaginal opening. But will it ever be big enough to allow for all of THAT?!

Still, I occasionally tolerated the torture to the extreme of silent tears so that at least my boyfriend could enjoy it. I pressed my man’s body to mine so he doesn’t see the agony on my face..

Perhaps I just had to stretch myself out and eventually the pain would go away? That seemed unlikely.. Of course I desperately wanted penetrative sex to be amazing for both of us, at this point, I could not fathom how ANY woman could enjoy it!

Naturally, I started to avoid sex. I dreaded where it was leading..

And if I indulged in pleasure for a little while, I was reminded of how my body was betraying me! I started to see myself as a disappointment of a girlfriend – it wasn’t long until I shut down to most forms of intimacy and lost my sex drive altogether.

Though I felt like a shell of a woman sexually, I seemingly had my life together.

You see, I had lived my life in a very logical, left-brained, structured way and that ‘got me places’…

I was a trained perfectionist, which went hand in hand with becoming a high performer, a ‘go-getter’, an ‘alpha woman’.

Following the well-trodden path that my sister took professionally…

I too became a designated Chartered Professional Accountant. It was an incredible experience, but also soul sucking!

As I climbed the corporate ladder and swept my pelvic pain under the rug, I often got lucky with loving and supportive partners. I told them about my struggles and when those relationships ended, I friend-zoned romantic interests so I could pretend I was okay and not deal with the pain between my legs and in my heart.

I just didn’t want to reveal a body that I thought was broken and beyond repair.

I was embarrassed to share my secret with more people than absolutely necessary! No one I tried to share with understood anyways..

And in the times that I muster up the courage to seek help…

The limited support I received from the medical community left me feeling BEYOND defeated.

I hoped I would feel relieved after speaking to my doctor.. But I was just told to ‘have a glass of wine and relax’, while I was still under legal drinking age! (Psst, like I hadn’t tried getting blackout drunk already.)

I was advocating for myself and motivating myself to stay calm and remain positive.. But though I wanted to kick vaginismus to the curb so badly, my unconscious mind and body didn’t cooperate for YEARS! The awful plastic dilators that I was told to use by a sex therapist were a source of hope for the first while, but insufficient guidance on how to use them (and too many times pushing through the pain) had me lock them away in a closet to gather dust.

All of the disappointment from the medical professionals that I had put my trust in had me fall deeper down the slippery slope of the Cycle Of Pain.

So I let time pass.

I began getting seriously worried about what my romantic life would amount to if I didn’t ‘fix myself’!

When this secret of mine consumed me, I laid in bed late at night with tears streaming down my cheeks, wondering ‘why me’..

On no less than 3 occasions, I had given up completely!

Though I was used to ‘exceeding expectations’ at work, I convinced myself that in the sex department I would not even be able to pull off ‘meeting expectations’. I even lied to myself enough to start letting go of the idea that I would birth children. I felt the hope draining out of me.. Would I really be the cool single aunt forever?

One day though, when I mustered up the courage to do a vaginal ultrasound, an ultrasound technician changed the trajectory of my sexual liberation journey in the most gruelling of ways.

I shouldn’t have been subjected to this procedure yet (duh, my pelvic exam attempts were awful). Needless to say, I balled my eyes out on the examination table waiting for her to pull the speculum away from the gripping jaws of my pelvic floor muscles. As I hurried to get out of there at the end of my appointment, she stopped me in the hallway and uttered these loaded words: “It’s okay honey, it’ll get better after you have kids.”

I kept my good girl facade up, but I was APPALLED and yelling back at her internally. It will get better AFTER I have kids? But how would I upkeep a long-term relationship? And how would I even get pregnant?!

Little did I know that this well-meaning ultrasound technician was both a bearer of bad news AND an angel on my path. Her words reignited my inner fire! My warrior energy come to life! I decided that whatever it takes, I was going to prove this woman wrong. I would not let this pain be my story forever. I would turn this around.

But I knew I would have to do things differently. Because new keys would be required to open the stubborn lock that seemed to be guarding my vagina.

I realized that nothing seemed to be working, BECAUSE no one introduced me to the holistic approach that was required to overcome the protective body response that vaginismus really is.

Thankfully, feeling let down on all levels forced me to look within and become my own saviour. Wanting to run away from my body had me come back home to myself in ways I could never have expected.

Through trial and error (lots of it!), I would eventually carve the path of my own sexual liberation. I not only achieved pain free sex, but connected to my body’s wisdom and experienced all forms of sex pleasurably, without any limitations or pain!

That holistic approach required me to reach into my depths and discover what I now call..

Katrin’s 3 Pillars Of Putting Vaginismus In Your Past:

Compassionate Emotional Processing

Discovering Your Authentic Sexual Self

Physical Release And Relaxation

I also learned that the core principle underlying these pillars was relinquishing control and finding safety in surrender, which involved regulating the nervous system!

At the core, I was called to find a sense of safety in the state of surrender.

For that, I needed to discover the strength in my vulnerability.

To honour my suppressed emotions and make space for my truth in my life coddled in layers of healthy expression..

I needed to learn to trust again and tend to wounds impacting my ability to feel safe, held and nourished around men.

I needed to re-connect to my softness and sensuality and see my femininity as a source of rest, nourishment and joy rather than a weakness to be repressed..

I was being called to slow down and prioritize myself, period.

To stop dragging ‘self-care’ to the bottom of my ‘to do’ list.. To make peace with my body!

Also to gain full awareness and control of my pelvic floor muscles and learn to relax them at my will in order to eventually welcome penetration.

To stop following the motto ‘no pain no gain’ when it came to my penetrative practice, so that it could finally have the chance to become pleasurable!

I needed to reclaim nourishment play and pleasure in my life…

And let that ooze into how I showed up in the bedroom.

Looking back, if I hadn’t taken this holistic approach and just kept ‘trying to stretch myself out’ with my dilators, I don’t believe my first ‘successful’ PIV sex could have ever transpired!

It’s funny..

I was in disbelief when it first happened. Not feeling any pain, I remember thinking “Is it REALLY in?” and had to look down to really make sure!

And don’t let anyone fool you – that first time was an underwhelming experience.

With so much focus being on the absence of pain rather than the experience of pleasure, I can’t say I got a chance to enjoy it!

Still, my disbelief that all those sex positions I was curious about could ever be more than something I read about in a book, was quickly replaced with indescribable pleasure and a full tank of excitement to explore.

I had finally closed the chapter on much of my healing phase and entered an adventurous stage of erotic exploration in which I could indulge in the fun of it all and uncover my authentic erotic expression and sexual confidence. (Plus catch up on the 6+ years of sex I missed out on!)

I began communicating my desires with less and less inhibition, welcomed internal stimulation and took an active role in the bedroom.. I finally accessed the messy, free and wild part of myself that had been buried deep inside and I stepped into my erotic power.

I survived the rollercoaster ride that I once thought would last forever. It took a sexual closing to open emotionally, erotically and spiritually – to myself, men and life in general, but I had finally found freedom..

And this spilled out in all areas of my life.

It was during this empowering Sex Goddess era that I also left the corporate world.

I was in search of purpose and fulfillment in my life!

Even though I ranked as a top rated performer at the largest Big 4 accounting firm in the world, I craved something more. I resigned on the day before my 25^th birthday, so you could say I had a quarter life crisis of sorts!

It’s like the newfound connection I had created with myself had me notice that there is more meaningful connection to be had with my future clients..

And it was not long after, while on a road trip with my partner at the time, that I found my calling.

Sitting at a coffee shop together somewhere in the state of Idaho, I happened to stumble upon a beautiful piece of writing about vaginismus, written by a fellow vaginismus sister.

Her words pulled me in..

And as I read, I recalled past memories that I had tried so hard to forget! You see with my private pain being behind me, I had once again tried to set those memories aside in a dark corner of my mind..

But all of a sudden they were on centre stage.

I felt ALL of the pain of my past pouring back in..

Which reminded me of how little support was available for other women still struggling..

Not much had improved since I claimed my sexual liberation and in that moment, I knew I needed to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

I realized that my purpose was to be a light in the darkness for you. To create a space in which healing can happen, in community, rather than isolation.

So for the first time, I began to write out my own experience with vaginismus and offered tips from my 6+ year battle.. I started sharing my story on Instagram and our community grew like wildfire!

Alongside connecting with so many of you from around the world..

Alongside deepening my own erotic liberation..

I became obsessed with all there is to know about the protective body response of vaginismus. I tried different modalities left right and centre, got trained in the ones I decided are worthwhile and opened my wealth of knowledge to anyone who had also decided to take this complex journey into their own hands.

Here we are 5 years later, enjoying the most beautiful place on the internet for you, a fellow vaginismus sister who has also decided to flip the script of her sexual pain story.

It’s wild that this is how we hang out now..

Back in the day, if you told me I’ll be helping people live a life full of play and pleasure… I would have created an excel spreadsheet outlining why you must have me confused with someone else! Today, it is my greatest joy.

I moved through the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced..

Through the confusion, embarrassment and guilt and finally arrived at the joy of unconstrained sexual fun, finally feeling like my body is on my team.

And though I would never want to do it again, I now know that my pain served me so I can turn it into my purpose.

It has led me to doing the most fulfilling work of my life – supporting you in claiming your sexual liberation!

Because you don’t have to do this on your own..

You deserve to be supported as you transform excruciating pain, numbness and disconnection into deep and pleasurable emotional and physical intimacy, without limitations! As you create the relationship and love life of your dreams.

The parts of you who desire a sex life that is free of pain and overflowing with unimaginable pleasure can find a home in my world.

That’s why I have created Sexually Liberated: The Holistic Manuscript To Your Vaginismus-Free Life – to help you confidently walk YOUR path to overcoming vaginismus, for good.

And let me clear this up..

I recognize that there is no one magical recipe that will work for every single person and I don’t pretend to have all the answers as some of my doctors did!

Rather, I guide you through a holistic approach to erotic freedom which includes deep-dives into the emotional, erotic and physical facets of the journey – all of which are necessary in finding safety and pleasure in erotic surrender.

I introduce the universal underlying principles to one’s sexual liberation and YOU get to discover the unique combination of strategies, tools and practices that is best for your body and nervous system.

My deepest belief is that..

Each woman is deserving of a wildly pleasurable, playful and fulfilling sex life that is rooted in love, trust and emotional safety.

And I’m so happy to say that I’ve witnessed fellow vaginismus sisters turn their pain into their power and pleasure…

We have celebrated milestones like comfortably using tampons, having your pain-free pelvic exam and vaginal ultrasound, enjoying your first orgasm, finally having pleasurable PIV-sex, becoming confident with initiating sex, calling in your dream partner or unleveling your current relationship, getting pregnant and giving birth according to your chosen birth plan!

AND I look forward to celebrating all of these beautiful things with YOU – the brave woman who has committed to becoming Sexually Liberated.

Your story CAN have a happy ending.

Your erotic revolution awaits.

– Katrin, with Love