My journey with vaginismus began when I was 15.
It was then that I first realized something was wrong, though I had no idea how challenging it would be to confront and overcome this condition.
Little did I know that it would become one of the most significant battles of my life—a battle not only against physical pain but also against the mental anguish that came with it.
Finding inner peace has been a difficult, but essential, part of this journey.
I’m not sure why I developed this condition..
Maybe I’m more prone to anxiety, or perhaps something I saw as a child related to sexual abuse left a lasting impact, though I can’t remember specifics.
There was also an incident when I was very young, where my grandmother, while washing me, unintentionally caused pain in my private area. This might have been a minor trauma, but I can’t be certain.
When I grew as a teenager, I began to question my worth as a woman, made worse by the ignorance of the many specialists I visited at the time — eight in total.
I’m now 20 years old, studying in Baden-Württemberg, Germany, but I spent the first 19 years of my life in Bulgaria. Currently, I’m using dilators to successfully treat my vaginismus, and I feel more at peace with myself because, for the first time, I don’t experience pain when using them!
I want to share my emotions and thoughts with you because so few people understood what I was going through during my struggle with vaginismus, and I believe many would recognize themselves.
This is how my story went. 👇🏻
When I was 15, I had to visit a gynaecologist for the first time.
The doctor needed to take a vaginal swab to check for an infection. But as I lay there, I was overwhelmed with terror.
It wasn’t the procedure itself that scared me — I knew it was just a simple swab. But despite this, I was gripped by an inexplicable horror.
The doctor couldn’t complete the swab, and I eventually had to visit her multiple visits. No one believed me when I said it hurt so much. I remember the doctor telling my mother that I was her “ most difficult patient” and she didn’t mean to be cruel or something — she just didn’t understand what I was going through, and she became frustrated.
As for my relationship, my boyfriend and I couldn’t have penetrative sex.
It felt as if my body was betraying me, as if I didn’t even have a vagina.
My mother eventually took me to her gynaecologist.
He was the first to diagnose me with vaginismus.
Although he wanted to help, he didn’t know how! So even in medical circles, this condition was barely understood.
He referred me to a psychologist, who then wanted to send me to a psychiatrist for sedatives, but I refused.
I was eventually recommended to another psychologist who specialized in sexology. We made some small progress, but she did not help me completely. I felt flawed, hopeless, and deeply ashamed.
When I moved to Germany to study, I learned about a practice in Heinsberg and came across a book by Dr. Reeve about vaginismus.
For the first time, I truly understood my condition, and I decided to take action. I started using dilators. I remember I went to her practice and the first 10-15 minutes when I tried to insert the smallest dilator were agonizingly slow. It was a moment where I doubted if I would ever overcome this.
The good news were, I began to adjust to the sensation of something inside my body. After a few days, I was able to use larger dilators with more ease.
It was so new to me — one night, all the emotions I had been holding in came flooding out and I started crying which was such a good release!
If you’re struggling with vaginismus or any condition that feels overwhelming, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I understand how isolating and frustrating it can be when your body feels like it’s working against you. The physical pain is real, but the emotional toll can be just as profound — leaving you feeling confused, ashamed, and hopeless.
For me, the turning point was using dilators. It wasn’t easy at first. I remember how slowly I had to push the dilator in, taking my time, sometimes just inching forward until I reached the end. It was a gradual process, and there were moments when I doubted if I could ever get there. BUT I did, little by little.
Every progress, however slow, is a victory.
I believe it is important to find what works best for you. I had to experiment with different techniques, and you might need to do the same. Whether it’s the angle, the pace, or the environment, what matters is finding a method that makes you feel safe and comfortable.
Don’t be discouraged if it takes time to figure out — everyone’s journey is unique. But there’s hope.
It might not seem like it right now, but there is a path forward.
It might not seem like it right now, but there is a path forward. I’ve been where you are, feeling lost and unsure of what to do next. Don’t hesitate to reach out, whether it’s to a medical professional, a therapist, or a support group.
You don’t have to go through this alone… There are people who understand, who have been through this, and who can guide you through the process.
Now that I found Katrin’s work and my story is also a part of the Love Diary, I marvel at how freeing and empowering it is to talk freely about our intimacy issues, to normalize them. I believe it is the only way to break the taboo in society on the subject.
I realize how wrong my shame was and would like to appeal that we speak up and open up to those close to us.
Thank you! Sending you lots of love!
– Deva (20 years old)
