Katrin with Love

How do you handle intimacy when it’s hard to have sex?

That is a question that plagues many when it comes to experiencing the physical and emotional pain of vaginismus, which often includes having a lower sex drive compared to your partner. 

Of course, in that situation, you’re bound to avoid the very penetrative act that causes you excruciating pain, as well as the non-penetrative intimacy that reminds you of the pain of the past (and how you can’t yet physically enjoy what you desire to enjoy)! Not to mention the frustration when non-penetrative intimacy accidentally snowballs into another disappointing penetration attempt, because ‘it might just work this time’, right?!

The question then becomes…

If you don’t want to grit your teeth through vaginal or anal penetration to satisfy your partner and, more importantly, you accept the fact that this is NEVER something you should tolerate (no matter how much you love your partner and want to satisfy him, since tolerating pain simply doesn’t support your sexual liberation). 

AND your partner can’t seem to feel sexually fulfilled no matter how creative you get, how many toys he plays with individually, nor how much he tries to set aside his desire for penetration..

Would it be helpful to the relationship to choose to open up your relationship in some way? More specifically, to keep sharing in non-penetrative intimacy while agreeing for your partner to enjoy penetrative sex outside of the relationship with another human being?

That’s a risqué question, I know. But let’s explore it.

It is because of this complex issue that many relationships have started to look at opening up to other partners. 

Have you ever considered this option? If so..

Let’s Dip Your Toes Into The Idea Of Opening Your Relationship 

Opening up your relationship can mean a few different things and can be achieved through a number of potential structures.

For one, bringing in another person can include them participating both romantically and sexually, or just sexually (if you agree that emotion and sex can be separated, of course, but more on that in a bit).

As for the structure of the new dynamic and where to even find your third, this new person can be one you are already acquainted with, someone you find newly through a dating or swingers site, or even someone you hire – a trained surrogate partner, or a professional escort.

Of course, it’s not just as simple as these two initial considerations.

The idea of bringing a new person into your relationship may bring up feelings that are incredibly difficult to navigate! And still, you may feel that this is worth it considering the value of quenching any existing unmet needs and creating the space for deepening your trust and connection as you work towards penetrative sex. 

And while you may be able to offer two out of three ingredients, your relationship doesn’t have to change just because you or your partner has sought out sex from a third.  

And before we talk about how bringing in a third party to fulfill an unmet need in your relationship can help you both as you go through your vaginismus journey, let’s get on the same page about the role of sex and intimacy in a relationship. 

Are Intimacy and Sex the Same Thing? 

Although they are often interlinked, with sex being a part of intimacy on a physical level, it is important to consider that sex and intimacy are unique pieces of the pie and are ultimately not the same thing.. 

Yes, this does apply more to men than women in my experience. And that’s because for a man, turn-on starts directly in the genitals, whereas for a woman it most often starts in the heart and moves to the genitals..

Still, both genders can access the enjoyment of sex without ‘strings attached’..

And you can have a deep, intimate relationship with your partner that does not include sex. 

Whether you’re just starting your vaginismus journey or have been down the path for some time, you may be in a long-term relationship with a partner that you love but with whom you may not be having even non-penetrative sex. That doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t without intimacy, love, or is unfulfilling, but it can definitely present some challenges! 

For example…

This can naturally then affect your vaginismus journey, whether from trying to ‘push through’ and having sex when your body doesn’t feel ready, or the mental pressure of running out of time, as though your partner’s patience comes with an ‘end date’. All of which causes you to be unable to release that bracing and tightening response when trying to establish the necessary self-penetrative practice that will eventually lead to partnered penetration. The pressure of having your partner be ‘waiting on you’ can be intense indeed!

But what if you see sex and intimacy as separate needs that can be addressed individually for some time? For the short-term benefit of the relationship and its long-term survival.. For a much-needed relief around providing sex (penetrative or not), if you haven’t found other ways to release that pressure within your partnership, of course.

You can choose to provide intimacy, but not sex.

Intimacy can look like cuddling together or taking a bath, making sure that you have specific days as ‘date nights’ where you do something together, or having moments in the evening where you put your phones away and talk about your days. Intimacy is about emotional and physical connection, which can help you build trust in your relationships and your partner. And sex doesn’t have to be on the menu if you choose that you’re not yet ready or available for that.

Again, you are allowed to provide the kind of intimacy that feels safe and good to you, which may not include sex! In fact, taking sex off the table completely can be an incredibly helpful part of the process of overcoming vaginismus and, oftentimes, is even necessary.

What’s Trust Got To Do With It? 

No matter if you are having sex or not, a relationship will not work if you cannot trust your partner. 

So yes, I hear you thinking that one of your biggest worries and the quickest way to destroy trust is the idea of your partner choosing to sleep with someone else. I hear you ask, will opening up your relationship help you maintain the trust you’ve worked so hard to build? How could you retain trust (or create more of it) in this sort of dynamic?!

Please keep in mind that not all relationships exist in the space of monogamy, and looking to open your relationship doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you, that your relationship is failing or ‘wrong, or that you’re broken.’ Non-monogamy can indeed provide unique forms of value and has become a more popular and societally accepted form of relating. In 2025, in fact, multiple dating apps such as Feeld and Pure now cater to exploring ethical non-monogamy. 

Ethical non-monogamy is a relationship dynamic where all involved parties consent to have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. 

People explore non-monogamy for many reasons, including sexual incompatibility, wanting to explore different dynamics, desiring to have certain emotional and physical needs met, or simply craving variety.

Aside from filling an unmet need of some sort, these types of relationships have two key components that make them healthy and long-lasting. 

Firstly, they are built on trust and open communication with each partner’s boundaries and limits being defined and respected from the get-go. 

Secondly, they are built on this understanding that your partner doesn’t have to meet all your needs, founded in what we already discussed – that sex and intimacy are not the same thing. 

So if opening your relationship does sound like a viable option for you, going about it in a way that is healthy and respectful for both you and your partner is key to creating the best experience.  

Best Practices For Opening Your Relationship In A Way That Retains Trust

If you have decided that opening your relationship is the right thing for you, there are some things you should always consider before doing so: 

• Decide what kind of benefits you’re seeking: Be clear on the benefits of this move for each of you. Will one partner enjoy the sexual connection with this new person, or will both partners be involved in unique ways that are valuable and exciting for each person?

• Decide what type of open relationship you want: Some open relationships are sex only, and some offer more emotional intimacy. Discuss with your partner what one is for you ahead of time to set expectations and clear boundaries from the get-go. 

• Check in with your boundaries: Before you start the conversation with your partner, it’s important to think ahead to the challenges that may arise – how the idea of you or your partner having sex with another person would make you feel. Based on this exploration, clearly identify your boundaries and prepare to confidently communicate them. 

• Practice clear communication and stay honest: Worries, jealousy, and doubts are completely normal for these experiences, especially if you have always been 100% monogamous. By being honest and talking about your needs, feelings and fears, you can overcome them more easily. Honesty allows you to trust each other and make sure that everyone is getting what they need from this experience. 

• Strengthen your intimacy: Before inviting a third individual into your sexual experiences, it’s extra important to strengthen your own self-intimacy and that with your partner, so that you have a solid base to come back to. Make sure you’re still having date nights or being physically intimate to solidify your connection as much as possible before opening it up to any potential wobbles. 

• Decide where to look when opening your relationship: Choose whether you’ll seek to invite someone you’re already acquainted with, someone you find newly through a dating or swingers site, or hire someone – a trained surrogate partner, or a professional escort. Then, take the next practical steps to make it happen!

A reminder that opening your relationship doesn’t have to mean practicing ethical non-monogamy for the long-term, with someone you’re acquainted with or you invite from a dating or swingers site. In this situation, it may be more complex to cleanly and respectfully bring the exchange to a close when that person’s role in your relationship is complete. Of course, that person’s initial desires and intentions, as well as any new developments during the process, can make things more complicated – they’re human after all!

That’s why to simplify things and guarantee a no-strings-attached situation, you may want to seriously consider hiring a sexual surrogate partner or an escort from a professional agency. 

Are Escorts and Surrogate Partners the Same?

So, is an escort a form of a surrogate partner? In short, the answer is no. 

Escorts, on the other hand, are a form of sex workers. However, a myth that does need busting is that escorts only offer sexual gratification for their clients! This isn’t true; many offer dates, long-term girlfriend experiences, and companionship for events for those who hire them. 

Basically, a sexual surrogate is designed to work with you to help you navigate your sexual blockages concerning vaginismus, whereas an escort could work with you, your partner, or both of you, depending on what you hire them for.

Although they are not the same thing, what we can recognize is that both offer potentially deep emotional connection and intimacy and/or a chance to explore sexual intimacy in new ways if that’s what you’re looking for. 

And yes, you can apply the therapeutic idea of working with a surrogate partner to the often more casual alternative of hiring an escort!

It is important to recognize that though escorts are not therapeutic professionals, they are trained to uphold a healthy form of relating based on the principle of continuous consent (where anyone can pause or stop at any time). On top of that, they can potentially offer you and your partner a more exciting and adventurous alternative to exploring intimacy and sex within the parameters of your relationship. 

Why Do People Use Escorts? 

Outside of the specific use case of navigating vaginismus as a couple (or even as a vaginismus sister not in a relationship), there are many reasons that people hire escorts.

For many, it is an opportunity to have their sexual needs met, either because their partners are unable to or unwilling to explore certain fantasies or kinks. Or because they are single, busy, and not looking to date or want to use a hookup site to meet others. 

In certain instances, it offers a chance for couples to spice up their sex life by adding a third with curated threesome experiences. 

Others enjoy the low-stakes companionship when travelling or attending events, the chance to talk with and connect with someone without having to put the energy into long-term dating. 

For others still, it’s the opportunity to have intimate connections if they are finding dating hard, with curated girlfriend experiences. High-class escort agencies, like Ivana Models, for example, offer international, highly educated women for people to hire and ‘date’ around their schedule. 

So, Why Would You, As A Vaginismus Sister, Work With An Escort?

From a vaginismus perspective, this could be a great way to…

• Offer your partner the chance to explore their sexual needs and fantasies with another while you work through the mental and physical blocks that come with vaginismus. Perhaps simply to get their fix of penetrative sex if that is in fact what they’re missing and they cannot do without!

• Make things more exciting between the three of you, in a way free of the complexities of threesomes in the ‘real world’. That way, you too get to fulfill any of your own unmet needs (playing with a woman or seeing your partner with another woman, which can be quite the turn-on for some) and even witness sexual experiences in real life that you can then learn from. This can be valuable, especially if you are looking to practice new sexual skills and want to learn from real-life human experiences rather than just watching erotic films, for example.

• Learn from a professional some new ways of playing for penetrative and non-penetrative sex (whether you’re participating or just watching!), including new positions and language you can use in the bedroom to help you to regain confidence. This, in turn, may help you on your vaginismus journey as you can find new ways to help relax your body and mind!

• Work on your communication, both in the bedroom and outside. As you discuss together and with the escort you hire, the roles, boundaries, and expectations of engaging in sexual exploration, you can learn to discuss your desires, curiosities, limits, and questions, all of which can help you work through the mental blocks that vaginismus can bring. If you, too, have felt like you’ve been robbed of your voice during intimacy, especially when trying to express your ‘yeses’ or ‘nos’ or even attempt something like dirty talk, having a safe space to compassionately navigate this freeze or fawn response can be incredibly valuable! The experience of hiring an escort could help you to find your voice, so to speak.

Escorts work on the parameters of boundaries, no emotional ties, honest communication, while offering sexual gratification, connection, and companionship. So as long as you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries and trust each other, you can choose to explore sexual intimacy in your relationship in a way that works for you.  

I also think it is worth mentioning that not all Vaginismus Sisters are straight; for many LGBTQ+ identifying women, there could be a twofold reason for wanting to work with an escort for themselves, even solo. 

Firstly, if you are LGBTQ+ identifying and in a straight relationship, it can offer a space to explore your own sexuality within a relationship. And again, because of the strict boundaries of hiring an escort, for many partners, there is less fear of losing their partner to another because of the emotional ties that come from exploring an open relationship or polyamory through a dating site. 

Secondly, for those who are looking to rebuild their confidence or gain sexual experience as they go through their vaginismus journey, hiring an escort as a LGBTQ+ woman can offer you a safe space to explore pleasure without the additional stress of dating. 

How To Hire An Escort

For those not in the know, it can feel a little like searching in the dark when it comes to looking for an escort. To help, I have put together a quick and easy guide for you. 

First and foremost, know your budget!

In the majority of escort agencies, or when hiring an independent escort, they will offer different fees for different packages. Do your research and know what your budget is and how much time you want before you proceed. At Ivana Models, for example, an international escort agency that offers high-class experiences, there is no standard fee list, as each model sets her fees independently. 

“Currently, their model fees range from €1,100 to €1,300 for a two-hour booking.”

When looking to hire an escort, you want to make sure that they are in your city or location. Working with an escort agency in your city or internationally allows you to search for high-class escorts in your area with no issues. Once you have chosen your agency, you can then search through the escorts in your area. 

And of course search for an escort that meets your needs. You can check out the different profiles for a description about who they are, their personality, what hiring them would look like, their availability, their fees and their offered experiences. 

As for hiring, the process is simple. After you have chosen your favourite model, you can click on the booking button on their profile, which will take you to a booking form to fill out. This includes dates and times you wish to hire them, the experience you want, the hotel you will meet them at, and any special requests. Once you have been vetted for your age and identity and the booking has been confirmed, you can then confirm how you want to pay.

Dos and Don’ts

What are some ‘oh yeses’ and ‘no thanks’ when it comes to hiring an escort? 

Do

• Hire an escort from a reputable agency: Agencies like Ivana Models offer high-end escorts who are vetted. This ensures that you are hiring a reputable girl, who is who she says. 
• Be respectful: Just because you’re hiring an escort to help with the sexual aspect of your relationship with your partner.
• Have a plan: From where you want to meet to how many hours you want to hire them for, knowing what the plan is for the evening allows you to not waste your or the escorts’ time. 
• Be upfront about what you want: Before you hire an escort, be honest about what you and your partner want from the experience. This allows you to easily answer what you want when hiring an escort. This can be anything from asking for a threesome, special requests such as kinks, or how you want the ‘date’ to go.  
• Use protection: Staying safe and using protection is one of the main rules for having a safe and fun time when hiring an escort.   
• Have boundaries: At the end of the day, you have decided to explore the world of escorting because you’re looking to open your relationship up sexually. Because of this, knowing and sticking to your own, your partners and the escorts’ boundaries allows you to have a respectful, fun experience without anyone’s feelings getting hurt.  

Don’t

• Get too personal: This includes not asking too many personal questions or pushing to know personal information about the escort you hire, to using them as a personal therapist about your relationship. Respect each other’s boundaries. 
• Change the plan: After the booking and plan is confirmed, honour the plan.
• Get emotionally attached: Respecting the reasons that you are there is beneficial for you and your relationship. 

At the end of the day, using a high-class escort as a way to explore your sexual desires or offer your partner a chance to have their sexual needs met as you work towards sexual intimacy together can be a moment of breakthrough in your relationship.

To sum it up..

When it comes to opening up your relationship, there are two main benefits when it comes to exploring these options from the lens of your vaginismus journey. 

On the one hand, it offers your partner a chance to have their sexual needs met while you are in the process of overcoming vaginismus and working towards penetration. Working with a surrogate partner or escort instead of opening it up to a third comes with the benefits of strict boundaries and an easier exit plan compared to inviting an acquaintance or someone you met on a dating or swingers site.. 

For our LGBTQ+ vaginismus sisters, working with such a professional can offer you the opportunity to explore your sexuality without the pressures of dating. You set out the parameters of your encounter from the start, including how you want to be touched or what you want to happen in the bedroom, if you choose to add a sexual side to your encounter. 

In order to get the most out of your experience, keep top of mind that communication is key, both between you and your partner and the escort you hire for example. Set boundaries, check in, and make sure you’re both still comfortable with the dynamic and use these sexually intimate moments together as a time to explore your likes and fantasies. 

Take the time to reconnect with each other through date nights and keep your intimacy, and find times to talk about vaginismus, where you’re at with your journey, and if you would like to explore something in particular. 

And remember – although sex can be an important part of a relationship, intimacy and sex are not one in the same. It is because of this that relationship dynamics have started to change, with partners looking at opening their relationships up, and it becoming more socially acceptable that couples don’t have to meet all of each other’s needs.

Perhaps for the case of vaginismus, this can be a blessing in disguise. Even if for a short time, while this relationship dynamic serves you well.

– Katrin, with Love