Dating with pelvic pain can seem at times like an impossible feat. It’s difficult enough trying to explain your pain to family and friends, so how do you go there with a stranger? How soon do you bring it up? How much detail do you use? What do you do if they don’t react well?
There is no science to revealing intimate secrets about your body’s functioning to another person, but I have some guidelines I’d like to offer up based off of my own personal experience, as well as what I’ve heard from others. We’re all on a tough journey so anything that can lighten the load you’re carrying I think is worth pursuing, and with that, I offer my advice.
When do you tell a potential significant other or sexual partner the details of your limitations?
I have had the opportunity to tell someone the day I met him, a few dates in, and a few months in, so I’m here to tell you not to make the same mistakes I did. I’ve had people who’ve never dealt with this kind of issue, directly or indirectly, assure me that you don’t owe this information to anyone and waiting to tell them after they’ve already fallen for you gives them the chance to see past your illness and love you for who you are.
My counterpoint to this argument is this: simply put, yes, you never owe personal information about yourself to anyone at any time, but wouldn’t you rather be with someone who loves you DESPITE your illness from the get go, than someone who had to build those feelings first and then choose to continue seeing you after obtaining this new information, only because they already feel so strongly?
I think it’s very important to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
If it were me and someone I was trying to build something with denied me essential information about their life for months, I would be hurt and consider that withholding information, almost on par with lying. Most importantly, though, for your own sake, is to avoid a potentially bad situation.
Yes, discussing this can be awkward as all get out, but it shouldn’t be traumatic. Having been in the situation where I waited to tell a guy until we were already in the moment removing clothing that I as much as I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him, I strongly advise you not to do the same.
And no, he didn’t get angry with me, rather he immediately pulled his pants back on and said “I didn’t think we were going to have sex”. He interpreted the situation as me not giving my consent for us to be intimate (we had only kissed a bit before this) so then I felt awful for making him feel that way.
I explained that I have a medical condition and just can’t handle penetration and then he asked if he could go down on me instead, so it ended up fine that night, but we were never intimate again following that occurrence.
This is why my ultimate suggestion for you if you have pain with sex is to get to know the person you are pursuing and build some trust with them before spilling your story, but do it before you reach the heat of the moment.
This will fall at a different point in time for everyone. I used to just by default tell the guy after our first kiss, just in case things escalated quickly from there. I would mentally prepare myself after date 2 to tell him on date 3 and then let him go home and process that information.
So how do I go about bringing this up, where do we talk, and what exactly do I say?
Well, this can be tricky, but I’ve found it best to get a good sense of the person in advance so you know how to present your story. Are they more visual or audible? Are they very sensory? What kind of sense of humor do they have?
I find it most comfortable to have this conversation is a safe space: either my car or my apt. If you are not ready to bring this person into either of those zones then you aren’t ready to share this news with them yet. I used to text the guy and tell him I needed to talk to him about something important, but sometimes that will freak the person out and put them on edge as they anticipate the conversation and play out all of the horrible things you may tell them in their mind in advance, so now I just sit them down and tell them in person.
I ask if they want the short, medium length, or long version. Some people have short attention spans, so keep this in mind as you let the truth unravel.
You may also lose someone if you spend too much time on medical terminology if they aren’t into science, so keep that in mind as well.
I’ve found that it often helps to keep things light by making a joke here and there.
I like to ask for the guy’s finger and put it against my closed fist to explain the “hitting the wall” concept of vaginismus. Since I lost my virginity I’ve now added a 2nd step to this where I open my fist slightly and let the finger go in and out with difficulty to show how having sex is for me now.
It’s easy to get caught up in telling your back story, why you are this way, what happened in your past, what your diagnoses are, but the single most important part of this conversation with a potential lover is what you ARE capable of doing in bed. Make sure to emphasize, possibly at the end to bring some positivity in, if you like oral, outercourse, anal, sex toys, and what lubes work great for you. You can let him know that some positions or some days of the month are easier than others.
I like to bring my dilators out as props just so he can see that I am able to get something that large inside of me and so he’ll understand what my nightly routine has to be in order to get something in.
That could overwhelm some people in the first conversation, which is why it’s important to try to gage the openness and comfort levels of the person before and during the conversation.
How do I address their reaction to the news? Since I am long winded and tend to offer up a lot of information on the first go round, many dudes just don’t know what to say. You can tell they are worried about offending you or saying the wrong thing, so they just say nothing or express that they need to be get back to you. That is a ok.
Don’t pressure anyone to react a certain way or respond immediately to the bomb you just dropped.
I always encourage guys to save their questions until the end, because I may answer many of them in the process of the story, and if they seem scared to ask I take their hand and let them know there is no question too personal after what I’ve just laid out on the table.
All of this being said, there are red flags to look for if a guy does react poorly. If he gets angry at all or says something along the lines of “I can teach you to like sex” or “you’ve just had partners who were bad in bed” then he is most likely a douche bag and not worth your time. You can show him the door.
If he says something like “are you sure you’re not a lesbian?” or “have you tried lube or getting oral first?” he may just be a bit ignorant and need some extra schooling, but could also be a lost cause. That’s up to you and your patience level if you feel like educating him further. I always ask if the guy wants to read any of my books or articles on my issues, listen to a podcast, or just discuss it with me in more detail in the future. A good resource for understanding is the Tightlipped podcast, which my current boyfriend actually introduced me to, or you can share with him one of my posts, like this one on vaginismus, for a short synopsis.
I also make sure the guy knows that if we continue seeing each other he will have to dilate with me before we have sex, to help me associate him with penetration and build enough trust to allow him inside of me.
Once that intimidating part is out of the way and you are actively seeing this person, don’t forget to focus on the good stuff. Go out on dates, kiss, touch, laugh. Don’t let your medical problems consume the relationship (I’ve totally done this) by making it all you talk about or deem important. Have fun and be playful with this person, just like you would before you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders with chronic pain.
Sharing your pain with another can be cathartic and bring you closer together, just make sure your partner feels they have a voice to express their own pain and can rely on you as much as you do them.
I strongly encourage couples counseling down the line, too, if you need it. It can really help to have a neutral party there for support and a safe space to be honest and up front with each other.
– Krista (33 years old, Houston, USA)
P.S. I invite you to check out my blog Chronicles Of A Broken Body.
