, ,

How The ‘Darkness’ Of Your Sexual Desires Can Shed Light On Vaginismus

At its greatest level of intensity and domination, what does this picture scream to you?

Deep down for you, this scene might be associated with naughtiness… Secrecy… Sexual arousal…

Excitement! And even joy!!

But do you also have a sense of guilt and shame attached to these positive emotions?

You see…

Similar to the 5 love languages that dictate how we tend to experience the feeling of being loved, each of us also has a PREFERENCE for receiving SEXUAL love.

We all crave different kinds of arousal styles, types of touch and even language for turn-on!

And no ONE preference is inferior to another!


We have been conditioned by society as to what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. And what sex SHOULD look like.

For example, dominance and submission play has been labelled as an underground activity that only the “wild” red-light-district-type ‘rebel’ community prides itself in.


In most circles, kink is a dirty word.

You may have heard that word being thrown around as something to avoid…

So quite naturally, anyone who sees this sort of play as being exciting is automatically led to think that their secret desires are ones to be ashamed of.

But kink is simply a language with which to express turn on and pleasure!

The shame and guilt ASSOCIATED with kink are the problem!

Have you ever thought that your ‘naughty’ daydreams and desires were something you should hide away?

Have you experienced deep-rooted guilt that what turns you on SHOULDN’T turn you on?

Have you shut off the kinky part of your being?

Thought that you’re not normal?

That you’re a ‘monster’ or a ‘slut’?

Try this on for size:

Shame and guilt around kinky desires may have actually been THE THING that gave birth to your body response of vaginismus.

Please hear me when I say that kink isn’t a dirty word.

In fact, it’s a beautiful form of play. It has physical and psychological modalities to discover.

A whole world of possibilities of fun.

And kink can be YOUR key to re-discovering pure pleasure in your body, which can actually help you overcome vaginismus.

And unlock the closed doors between your legs, IF you desire.

Those of us who enjoy kink typically crave intensity in our lives – scratches, smacks, power play, power dynamics, an edge of taboo and naughtiness.

THAT helps relax our nervous system and really melt into the world of pleasure.

That edginess is the key to turn-on, whatever that might look like for you, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that.

It’s simply one path, out of all of the possibilities of relaxing the nervous system.

If you haven’t shut the kinky part of yourself down, perhaps you never even had a chance to explore it to decide if it’s for you.

All along, this one modality of expressing love and feeling pleasure may have been THE one that your nervous system would respond to positively!

You see, right now, your nervous system is on high alert trying to protect you from the dangers of penetration.


In order to start controlling the body response of vaginismus, you NEED to find a way to de-armour your nervous system.

Tear down its armour, so to say,

To help your body let its guard down.

And just have fun with yourself and your desires!

Finding pleasure in the body helps significantly.

The creation of pleasure in the body creates a sense of relaxation, indirectly helping the pelvic floor muscles themselves to loosen.

It ALSO brings blood flow and natural lubrication to the vagina, relaxing the muscles and preparing the body for penetration.

In fact, this sexual arousal actually tells the cervix to move up in its position, making additional space for vaginal penetration.

And finally and probably most importantly…

Experiencing pleasure in the body unlocks additional potential for pleasure and has you CRAVE touch and intimacy again.

ESPECIALLY if you you also take the pressure off and firmly put penetrative sex OFF the table until you’re ready.

You see…

Experiencing pleasure in the body again in the way it has been craving it can open up a whole new world of possibilities for you.

The book “Healing Painful Sex” by Deborah Coady and Nancy Fish states, “If you can figure out how to get yourself AROUSED and experience orgasm in ways that don’t involve pain, you will actually be IMPROVING your condition.”

Kink is one such way to get aroused.

So if this path to pleasure resonates with you and excites a part of you that you have been hiding for so long…

Here’s a practical tip, in the form of an exercise, to re-ignite that spark and accept the thrill of kink into your being.

Once you experience the freedom of really owning who you are and indulging into EXACTLY that which makes you feel good, this can help subside the tightness in your pelvic floor.

Because your body will finally experience a wave of love and acceptance.

And will respond to pleasure accordingly.

This exercise can be extremely healing, helping release the guilt and shame stored in your body and peel away the emotional barriers you’ve instinctively put up to protect you.

So that you can mentally open yourself up to pleasure and re-ignite the fire inside you that lay dormant for days, months, or even YEARS!

To be present and vulnerable.

And listen to your body.

To fully explore the kinds of touch your nervous system has been unconsciously craving.

In general, kink involves intensity and direct, deliberate touch.

A seemingly-rough sensation can go a long way in healing, awakening your sensuality and sexual desire for more love and pleasure.

Kink represents a BRAVE commitment to self-care and your body’s desires.

And as it was for me, it can be a beautiful and healing experience for you too.

The Exercise

To do this exercise, put on some awesome, intense music and some clothing you feel sexy in if you want, to help you create the intense ambiance of desire.

Lay on your bed, in the safety and privacy of an empty home…

Pick an accessory that resonates with you, some bondage item like the Sincerely Lace Fur Lined Cuffs for example.

Alternatively, you can also use a more elegant-looking bondage piece, like the Sincerely Lace Corset Arm Cuffs.

First up, put the cuffs on.

You might want to raise your arms above your head, as though you’re being pinned down.


Take some deep breaths and let your mind empty.

Then let your mind wander and mentally create a fantasy world in which you’re experiencing pleasure.

Really let yourself go there.

Let your intuition and sensations guide you in what you want in this moment.

Imagine the ways in which you want to be teased, touched, or talked to…

How are you acting in your fantasy?

Are you quiet? Are you talking back?

Experiment with the subtlety of stillness and distance well, giving yourself space and craving in your imagination.

Perhaps you have a particular role play situation in mind…

Next up, switch up the scene in your mind and imagine that you’re doing the dominating.

That you get to put these cuffs on someone else and have your way with them.

What are you doing? What are you saying?

Explore the boundaries of your mind and your specific desires.


Notice, without judgement, the different thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing.

Be patient with this exercise. Give yourself time to feel whatever comes up.

Is shame coming up? Stay with it.

Often, this pleasure exploration brings up feelings of sadness, anger, or resentment. Feeling these emotions is a necessary and beautiful part of the healing!

Allow your body to EXPRESS whatever comes up. This purging of emotions is what will make space for pleasure in the body and create a craving for more touch, adventure and sexual attention.

Stay in the exercise for as long as you’d like.

Thinking about playing with kink with other people?

Self-exploration in this realm is relatively simple.

You just imagine and do whatever feels good for your body. Trust yourself and step out of the box of your status-quo!

Take on whatever identity you desire.

It’s really fun!

And when it comes to partner play, we have only grazed the surface of the topic of kink.

There are MANY facets and intricacies of kink, including Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism (BDSM).


Consent, boundaries, and aftercare are all part of a safe and fun session!

CONSENT and creating a safety container is the name of the game.

A rule of thumb is that…

Price (in USD)

If you were looking to equip yourself with some bondage accessories, the Sincerely Lace Fur Lined Cuffs retail for $21 and the Sincerely Lace Corset Arm Cuffs are $27.

There are so many other toys to play with – the world of kink is vast!


I’ve partnered with Betty’s Toy Box to provide you with a 10% discount! Just use code KATRINWITHLOVE at checkout.


What do you think about this healing experience and opportunity to reconnect with your kinky self?

Would you give it a try?

Here’s to giving yourself permission to embrace your intensity!

– Katrin, with Love