The Pleasure Plan: One Woman’s Search for Sexual Healing details Laura Zam’s personal journey with vaginismus and her advice for others out there suffering the same. She explores the trials and tribulations of pretending to enjoy sex with your partner, experiencing low desire, and unfamiliarity with the intricacies of the female body.
Zam teaches us everything she’s learned on her way and how it led to her becoming a sexuality educator and trauma healer. Besides this book, she has published work in the New York Times, HuffPost, and Salon; given story telling workshops; and written a one person play. She is currently working on writing a show for HBO.
One aspect of The Pleasure Plan which I liked and felt added a new element to the memoir genre, was Zam’s tips at the end of each chapter.
She has “Something to Try” and 3 journal prompts related to the topics she just covered to help the reader create her own Pleasure Plan. She also includes a lengthy appendix full of resources for the reader to check out as she searches for answers to her vaginismus puzzle.
Something I appreciated about Zam’s tone and writing style was how fearless it was. In addition to being effortlessly funny, she has no problem (at least the way it reads on paper), discussing what turns her on, what her lingerie looks like, and tough conversations she’s had with her husband. She doesn’t shy away from detailed descriptions of sex toys, the appearance of the vulva, and what various professionals and friends alike have told her about her vagina over the years.
I especially loved the term “vagi-christmas”, because we all know that the term vaginismus is both horrifying and hard to pronounce. What else can you do but make your own version of the word to laugh about it?
I’ve read quite a few memoirs about Vaginismus (The Camera my Mother Bought Me, Unorthodox, and Vagina Problems, still waiting for my copy of My Broken Vagina) and they each have something special to add to the narrative of the experience of this condition. I think The Pleasure Plan adds a unique perspective coming from a married, menopausal woman who has never enjoyed sex (primary vaginismus) and come into the game late in life.
Reading about the evolution of her relationship with Kurt and how they have faced (and not faced) the trials of sex is both heartwarming and welcome so women can gain confidence that they can also find a man who will embark on this journey with them. Reading Susannah Kaysen’s memoir, on the other hand, I couldn’t help but think of her borderline personality diagnosis in Girl, Interrupted and how she was considered “promiscuous” in the 1960’s. It was also incredibly disheartening that she published the book when she still hadn’t overcome her vaginismus or vulvodynia, so reading it leaves you feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and worried about your own future.
Her experience with secondary vaginismus is of course still valid, but I think a larger number of women searching for help and relatable content out there are looking for someone who has never been able to have sex without pain (dyspareunia) and how they overcame that (people love positive endings).
The alienation felt when you are a certain age (think the 40-year-old virgin) and know everyone else around you is having sex and loving it (we like to assume) is hard to describe. I know I held onto the New Year’s resolution that I would lose my virginity by 30 for years (I did it! 28, woohoo).
Zam is obviously a writer. You can tell reading her book that she’s seasoned at this and knows what she’s doing. I’m sure we can thank her age and experience writing for the Times for this. Zam doesn’t come off whiny or entitled in the unraveling of her sexual troubles.
She’s crafted a story that draws you in and makes you invested in her life. Reading about how her childhood shaped her lack of education on sex and distrust of doctors, due to having a mother who was in a concentration camp, was absolutely fascinating. You want to know what will happen next as she learns more and more about the female body and gets closer and closer to discovering pleasure.
Zam takes you on a ride with her as she attends a sex brunch, a couples retreat, and a session with a tantrika.
It’s important with vaginismus to take a wholistic approach and attack the problem from all angles.
This book acts as a wonderful all-inclusive reference guide to the many mental and physical causes which can plague a Vaginismus ridden body and what to do about them.
Laura Zam has taken her experiences and used them to build a successful career helping others, whether it be through yoga, coaching, speaking, or writing.
You can visit her website here to learn more about her and her work. You can follow her on Instagram @laurazam_author for updates, join her newsletter list “Zam not Spam”, and listen to her podcast Sexual Healing Central about sexuality and relationships. I think she’s someone you’ll want to keep tabs on as she helps kill the taboo of sexual concerns, abuse, and trauma.
– Krista (33 years old, Houston, USA)
P.S. I invite you to check out my blog Chronicles Of A Broken Body.
