Hi. I’m Lannee. And in August of this year, I had my heart broken.
It is now November, and the pain has only gotten worse.
Mornings and evenings are very hard to get through. Usually evenings, but lately mornings have been extremely tough on me. Waking up is hard. Falling asleep is even harder.
I try to keep my mind busy, and I try to keep it from wandering, but it is nearly impossible when everything reminds you of the person you so desperately try to forget.
I try to do things for myself I wish my ex-partner would have done for me, like getting myself some flowers, and embracing physical touch to feel closer to myself, and feel some type of love and safety. It doesn’t always work or help, but it feels nice to be there for yourself sometimes. Even if it brings up a lot of heartache as well.
I’m trying hard to build a loving and strong relationship with my body. The body I punished and hated and was ashamed of for so many years. The same body that got me through the toughest times of my life and kept me alive while I tortured it. I never appreciated it. I never said thank you. So I’m trying to do it now.
It really is so hard. But I guess every beginning of something worthwhile is. So I’m taking it step by step.
Daily life has become hard. Looking after myself has become more difficult. It feels like nothing will ever be okay again. Like I will never be happy again.
I thought I had found my forever. He was my person and was hoping to be his. I envisioned our future together and made all of these plans with him. And suddenly all that was taken away.
Life feels very lonely. I feel left alone and lost. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I like or what I want. I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t go out, I don’t meet people. I don’t do anything. Life is passing me by. And I’m just a ghost in my own story.
Around this time in November, 2 years ago, he started asking me out. We would go to bars and sit there for an hour or longer if we had time, and we would just talk. About everything. He quickly became my best friend, and he knew everything about me. Things I’ve never told anyone else ever before.
It is heart-wrenching thinking about him probably doing that with other people now.
Everything hurts. Everything seems pointless. Nothing makes sense anymore.
It was my first relationship. He was my first love, and I experienced a lot of other firsts with him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that one person.
I thought I had found the love of my life. Now, everything seems lost.
I can only hope that one day the crying will stop, the pain will go away, and I’ll be able to breathe again. But right now, it hurts. More than I would have ever imagined.
And I hope I will never feel this kind of pain again.
– Lannee (23 years old, Berlin)
