When I Felt Abandoned & Forgotten

I made a vow once.

The kind that I broke so I could make it stop.

In a moment of turmoil, when I felt abandoned and forgotten, I vowed to never ask for help.

‘Never ask for help’? Seems pretty innocent. A creation that relied on me.. On me asking another to support me…

But the depth of this vow goes far beyond the surface level, where choice exists – to ask or not to ask.

The depth of this vow reached the subconscious layers..

The ones in which I decided not to RECEIVE.

And not only help in particular situations, but help in general.

I denied my innate desire to be supported – which I with time realize is not only just a want, but a human need.

Just as we need touch to survive as babies and to stay sane as adults, we need support – because any feeling of belonging, and any act of healing – it happens in community, not isolation.

And keep in mind..

I decided not to RECEIVE help, yes. And with that came the greater meaning of RECEIVING.

So I closed to anything that wanted to come my way.

I closed to love – I doubted if its real. If it comes with conditions. If there was a catch. That feeling of being abandoned and forgotten became the uninvited +1 to the love that I otherwise could have allowed in with arms wide open.  And so I pushed love away, in the most subtle ways.

I closed to pleasure – that a partner wanted to gift me with, and also one I could have created for myself. Subconsciously, I didn’t believe I deserved it. And not only the sexual pleasure, but I closed to my eroticism – my life force, my feeling of being alive!

Hell, I closed to REST! I hadn’t yet done ‘enough’, hadn’t accomplished ‘enough’ to have earned the break. And I was so independent in my work and my creations, I was burning out fast.

Turns out.. 

Every gift that came my way, at times including money, was met with a resistance that I myself created.

I had shut down so hard to receiving, my body also shut down to receiving another person INSIDE me – yep, I’m referring to penetrative sex. The walls were up, literally.

All gates to ME remained closed..

EVEN though my conscious mind wanted to open. 

In fact, I deeply desired help and support (though I wouldn’t admit it) – and when it wasn’t given, I felt deeply wounded once again. There was no winning.

And so began a journey of OPENING.

I took myself on a path back to myself. I redesigned my life so it’s unleashed from the shackles of the past.

The ones I myself took on, created by my conditioning of course – familial, societal, cultural..

I vowed ‘no more’, said ‘yes’ to my transformation and it quickly gained momentum.

I know that yours can too.

Vow for change, act and be unleashed.

– Katrin, with Love